my phone needs a breathalizer
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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