i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
