take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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