Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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