I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
