My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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