So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
