I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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