Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
