It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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