I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize