I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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