dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
