i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
