Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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