I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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