They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
