I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
