I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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