Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
