Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
