She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Someone came in the potted fern
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
