it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My liver just had a heart attack.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
