Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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