my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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