I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
