i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
