don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
