can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
