I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize