I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
