she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
