My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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