Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
