I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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