If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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