The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
