I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
