i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
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