I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
