I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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