YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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