she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
