Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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