I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
