i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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