hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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