I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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