you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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