just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
