We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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