My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
