have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
