So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
