one word: firstdatebathroomanal
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
