Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
