I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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