I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
