So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
