I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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