Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
